i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
