More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
