i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
where does the pee come out of this thing
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
