just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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