if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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