No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
