i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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