this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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