It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
