I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
