Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
