Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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