I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
