Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
