lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
