3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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