True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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