Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
