I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
We got so high we made milksteak
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
