My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
