I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
