o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
