my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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