Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
