You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
