There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
