My liver just broke up with me...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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