I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
