I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize
