Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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