if i can run in heels then i can drive
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
