My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
