saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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