i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
