im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
