Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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