just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
