Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
