just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
