i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
