someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
