There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
