Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
