The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
