my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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