Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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