Little spoons don't ask big questions
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
