im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I could fuck to npr.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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