Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
