Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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