She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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