do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
