if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
