He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
