In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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