Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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