My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
