my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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