in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
