I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
