Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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