I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
