why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
