i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
