I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
