why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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