If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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